Feed Me Mommy!: I said I wasn't gonna do it...

We just got back from the Fair. My mantra with regards to the fair this year was that it's too expensive (which it is) and I'd rather spend my money elsewhere (which I would). This, however, was impulse trip; the kind of trip I would make much more if I had an equally-impulsive husband. Thankfully, my hubbie - God love him - is about as impulsive as the Pope on Easter, so it ain't happenin'. My mom called saying you can get in for free if you bring in four canned food items for the local food bank. I did some mental calculations, and pondered the thought of being in the house with three stark-raving-mad children (it's been a long week), and said "what the hell, let's do it!" I am proud to say that I was in and out of the gate having dropped only $15, which is astounding to me. Usually, we've unloaded at least 60 bones prior to entering the joint.

So, there are several topics of interest I will discuss with regards to our outing. #1: the people (ay dios mio) #2: the food (deep-fried butter? Really?) #3: my children (they served up a healthy dose of whaaburger and french cries, for sure) OK, first thing's first. The people. OH MY GOD, Becky. The fair kicks up, and the freaks emerge from their dens. It's like they've cast the part of "fairgoer" as SNL characters. Lord forgive me, but these people were pretty damn strange. What did I see, you ask? Let's do a sample run-down: a woman in a top and, apparently, no pants, a man in overalls sporting a Santa beard, a woman in stilettos, mullets as far as the eye could see, gangstas wearing their colors out-loud-and-proud (along with their children, I may add)...shall I continue or do you get the gist? These people, by the way, were packed into the place like sardines. And it was hot. Not a good combination. Now that I've damaged my karma for the next few weeks by talking major smack ("Major Smack" insert salute here..sorry, it's a "How I Met Your Mother" reference, couldn't resist), I will move on.

The food. Oh, fair food. It's very much a love/hate relationship I have with the stuff. Yeah, it's so incredibly baaaaaadddd. But, damn, it's soooooo goooood! I had one bite of my mom's funnel cake & I had to sit down for fear of swooning. The smells coming from the BBQ pit made me want to say "screw you, vegans!" and run up to the rotisserie pig and take a big, honkin' bite out of it's belly. The sight of a foot-long corn dog made my eyes glaze over. Being that this was my first time attending the fair as a quasi-vegan, I will share what I ate this year and what I've eaten - religiously - every other year I've gone. This year I had a cup of mixed fruit (including cucumber & jicima) with chili and lemon (a Mexican food staple here in Cali that I cannot resist). Period. If you know me, you're thinking "what the #$*@!! She's lost it! She's gone all 5150 on us!" You know what? I'm OK with it. Previous years, I have had the following, in order, with no wavering from one year to the next, since I was 18 (thanks to a-not-to-be-named-cousin-because-he-is-now-in-law-enforcement, for buying my beer before my 21st!): a beer, a beef stick, a piece of chocolate fudge, a beer, a corn dog, two soft tacos, a beer and, the piece de resistance, a cinnamon roll the size of my head. Oh, and one last beer. I'd go home, making a sometimes futile, attempt to keep from yacking my brains out. This is not to say that while whisking my daughter to the potty I didn't seriously contemplate making her wait while mommy purchased a pint of bud, but, let me tell ya, right now, I'm feeling no pain other than the ache of a long day and the exhaustion of caring for three crazed lunatics, otherwise known as my dear, precious children.

Which brings us to #3: the offspring. I informed the little hooligans that we will not be riding the rides at the fair today. Too expensive. Too stressful (those toothless carnies blasting ACDC tracks make me nervous). I was clear. I was precise. I was definite. Did that stop them from asking repeatedly to go on the rides? Of course not. Did they appreciate the fact that I carted their little booties to the fair when I had said I wouldn't? Nope. Did I, in a fit of frustration, tell that that if I behaved the way they were behaving when I was their age, I would've already had a spanking? Why, yes, I did. All idle threats aside, what is it with these kids? With the stuff they had out for kids to do there, as I kid, I would've piddled myself. I was happy just looking at the cows, let alone actually getting to milk them. Well, OK, they didn't actually get to milk a real cow, but they did get to milk a fake cow. Not that milking a cow is an amazing thing for kids, but, well....you get my point, right?

Yes, it was hot. Yes, it was laden with the crazies. Yes, my children on occasion made me want to pull my hair out. Did we, ultimately, have a good time? Take a look at the pics, and you be the judge.